It has been one week and two days since our baby passed on to Jesus. It has been very difficult to establish in my mind the truth of all that God says. I still struggle with why this had to happen and have only found peace in the Word of God that says, "All things work together for the good of those who are called according to his purpose."
Things have been getting back to normal. I am back at work full time and that helps because I don't think in dept about the issues at hand. I am at peace the majority of the time and have been grieving in my own way.
One of the things that I thank God for during this time is that I have never felt as near to God as I do right now. I remember when I was losing the baby that the one thing I asked God for is that He would be near to me. I was able to stand in the knowledge of that even when I felt completely devastated.
Saturday the night of my miscarriage I went to church because I really wanted to feel Jesus and did not want to have to try hard to enter His presence. He was there when I walked into the sanctuary. I wanted to have a song played that I knew would minister to me and sure enough it was played. I was overcome with grief, frustration, betrayal, anger, pity, and many other feelings and as the music began to play I broke. I could not speak or sing. I felt the feelings overwhelm my spirit and I was like an unbroken dam. The song went, " Like oil upon your feet, like wine for you to drink, like water from my heart, I pour my love on you. With praise like perfume I lavish mine on you till every drop is gone I pour my love on you."
I told God that I couldn't give him love because there was so much hurt and rage. He let me know that I could bring a sacrifice to him. He let me know that true sacrifice comes through pain and death. So in the middle of worship He said that I had enough energy to give him everything I had and that he would take it. I stood up and gave my King everything that I thought was worthless and it felt like a bomb exploded in my body. A release came like I have never experienced. If you have never given a sacrifice of praise, let me tell you, there is nothing like it. I have not felt that close to god ever. I will keep you updated on how things are in my life and my family.