I know that time after time I have said that I trust God, but it seems there is often a test.
My family was devastated by our previous miscarriage but I was so excited, no elated to find out that once again I was pregnant. According to the first dates I was eight weeks last Thursday.
I had an ultra sound that afternoon. I unfortunately went alone but was confident that this experience would be incredible.
I arrived for my appointment a few minutes early and had to wait awhile for the doctor to see me. Instead of excitement though I began to feel dread. What had been a great beginning felt odd to say the least. After waiting for about 1/2 hour the doctor came in.
The doctor sat down and spoke with me stating that all my tests had come back great and that I had no problems as far as she could see. Then came the ultra sound. The two pictures above are the ones I get to keep. I was amazed that they could see something so small. They measured and then re-measured. I was concerned. They were so quiet.
When we were done the doctor said "You are not eight weeks according to my calculations you are only 6 weeks and 4 days." This was not a problem because I knew that very often due dates change at the beginning.
The doctor than began to state that she was concerned because she couldn't see a heartbeat and that she should be able to at this stage. Due to the fact that I haven't had a child for six years this was disconcerting. She said that either her dates were wrong or that there was no heartbeat and if there was no heartbeat that the baby would miscarry. She suggested a blood count test and I agreed.
I was devastated once again. It was as if the whole world closed in. I walked slowly to the lab and waited my turn. As I sat, I began to cry. Searching my soul I thought God how can this be? All I heard was trust me. I began to pray and state. "God I trust you. I trust you. I trust you." I couldn't help myself, in tears I whispered, " I love you anyway. I love you. I love you. I love you."
I was called into the lab. Test was taken.
I broke down completely on the way to the car. Never had I felt so alone. Even though I knew that I trusted God I just couldn't control the emotions that ripped through my heart. Sobbing I called my mother. I can't remember ever hurting this bad. She told me to come straight to her and I did. What a wonderful momma! Mom called dad and dad was there to meet me also within minutes. God is good! We prayed and proclaimed God's destiny on my baby and the emotions subsided. I felt free.
I got to talk to my sister-in-law and she helped. She was such an encourager. She said, "The kids and I already prayed and we know that everything is alright. Don't worry."
That night I went to a prayer meeting and was asked if anything was wrong. You know, I wanted so badly to state all the bad and have a pity party but all I could hear in my head was "Trust me."
So instead of speaking what I had feared and heard over my child I spoke only what I heard God say.
Trust is definitely not easy but it is releasing everything you can't control into the hands of the controller. My Jesus. My Peace and my King.
No matter what the tests say my Jesus is holding my baby through everything.